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Obese Workbook I: Fat Brain Lies

 


Carlene's Raw Adventure
February 2006

Mon Feb 6 2006 8:20 pm

Wow, it has been a while since I wrote in my journal. I've been very busy with the Raw Food Boot Camp. This week we've had horrible computer problems caused by my hosting service, so I have had to move us. What a time it has been. I've also been working on getting the Tucson Seminar going for March, opening the Raw Food Commissary, running Raw Food Boot Camp, and getting out our newsletter. I still have two more boot camps to open this week and format a book and it's cover for publishing (not my book). Obviously hiking hasn't been happening for a couple of weeks. I miss it.

I hurt my knee too, so I've been using all this computer time hoping it will heal. Thursday I'm going for Birakam yoga. That's in 110 heat. Not outside, but inside. It will be my first time, so that ought to be interesting. If I don't pass out that is. Next Tuesday will be my first day back hiking. My hiking buddy, Maria, has been going out with the club while I work and heal, hopefully she misses me!

Well, it's that time of the month again. Weigh in and measurement day. Today I am at 131.5 pounds. That is 12.5 pounds away from my goal weight of 119. I still feel as though I have more than 12 pounds to lose, but we'll wait and see. There are parts of me that look pretty skinny and other parts that seem to still want to hang on to the fat. My stomach is getting flatter, but my upper arms are holding out. They're gonna have to go, cuz I ain't stopping until they release the last of the fat. And that's that!

When I opened the boot camp, all of the new members were long time raw foodists who used recipes with fat in them. I got caught up in this, eating nuts and avocado on a daily basis and last month only lost 3.5 pounds. After only losing what had once been a week's loss in a month, I was determined to get back on track to the way I always ate when I was losing weight so fast. Easier said then done. Like anything else, kicking those nuts and avocados was one of those, "okay tomorrow I won't have any." It took me the first two weeks of January to get back with my program, and now that I am back the weight is falling off again. This week alone I've lost 2 pounds in 5 days, back to my regular routine. I should be looking at the 120's by the end of the week, and then the 10 pound count down begins.

Don't be surprised though if I move it to 115. I'm thinking it may take that for my arms. People are starting to worry. Maria says I'm obsessed that I should be happy at 131. Told me I'm too old to be 115 or even 119. Well, I refuse to be too old for being thin, and I don't believe the fat that is left won't go away. I'm still on my mission here. I've told everyone from the start that I would get to thin for their liking and to accept it as part of my plan. So I'll restate that. I am following the theory that if I get down in my %fat body content I can lose all the saggy fat that is left and that the skin will go back. That's my plan and I'm sticking to it.

Now that I'm back to my simple, low fat diet. I feel so much better. Eating all that fat really dragged me down not physically, but mood wise. It was as if it dirtied up my veins or something. Now that I'm back to low fat, I feel lighter, happier and more energetic. It's good to have it back.

For measurements:

Weight Loss Total since May 15: 127.5 pounds!

Chest: Total Loss 14" This Month .25"

Belly Roundest: Total Loss 20.25" This month 3" (I have a waist for the first time in 30 years) it's still 33" - see I still have a ways to go.

Hips: Total Loss 14.75" This month 1.5"

Left Upper Arm: Total Loss 4.5" This month .5"

Right Upper Arm: Total Loss 4" This month .5"

Left Thigh: Total Loss 8.25" This month .5"

Right Thigh: Total Loss 9" This month 1"

So it looks like next month's weigh in could be my last. I still have some toning to do. I still have some saggy skin, but it's nothing like I expected. My arms have really held onto the fat, this could be ugly as they give it all up in one month! I'm prepared for it though. My plan (I always have one) is to give my skin at least a year to heal before I consider worrying about it. It's not really all that bad. My stomach will firm up nicely which is amazing since I've already lost 20" there. It's my inner thighs, and now my upper arms will be a problem. Yet when I consider how many inches I've lost, there isn't even a quarter of that in wrinkly skin. I'm pleased with the results. Of course I don't look 30 which is what I had hoped for, but I'm not a bad looking 50 year old (49 actually).

 

Thursday Feb 8 2006 10:25 pm

129.5 was this morning's weight. I am literally half the woman I used to be. I weight 129.5 lbs. I lost 129.5 pounds. Now that is fun! I guess I can officially say I am no longer obese, barely even chubby! Okay there is still some fat on the bod, but it's not much. Maybe tomorrow, or by Saturday I'll get to start the big 10 count down...but...

I'm worried 119 will not be low enough. There seems like more than 10.5 pounds of fat still on me. It's hard to tell. 115 was a weight I've been at before, but I was 22 not 49 and I couldn't maintain it. This could all be different now. Eventually I want to get to 110, but that is my emaciated goal to get rid of the last of the old fat before building to new fat. I had thought that around 119 would be my lifetime weight. I guess it's still all up for grabs. I'd hate to start a 10 pound count down only to reach the goal and say, hey, let's go for four more. On the other side of this, I'm only 4.5 pounds away from my original goal of 125. Now that feels good.

Once I reach 119 or 115, I'm going to stop the weight loss until after the seminar. I don't want to show up to that looking emaciated. That wouldn't be good.

 

 

Wed February 15 2006 9:18 pm

Today I did it, I went and got my hair chopped off and it's short! I love it. The hairdresser likes poofy hair, so it's a little too poofy and plastered with "product" for me. "Product" where have I been all these years. I had no idea the word product has so much meaning, but there was Charlie my new hairdresser, my daughter and my sister all talking about the importance of "product." Hmm. I'm such a stranger to girly stuff.

It's a great salon. 4 male hairdressers. It was so comfortable. My daughter uses Charlie and promised me he's great. I told him I needed to look at least cute, and that I wanted short. My kids told me a hundred times I wouldn't be able to carry off short, but I love short hair on other women and really wanted it. So he sat with me for about fifteen minutes going through magazines and books until we found a style we both loved. I should have been nervous, apprehensive, but with each snip my excitement rose. I'm not one for hugging strangers, but I hugged him three times before I left. It felt so good, like chopping off the longer hair was making a personal statement. The old is gone, no more boring dull gray Carlene finding it easier not to care how she looked rather than be devastated about how bad she looked. I'm loving it and feeling great!

On a side note, one of the hairdressers is going in for gastric bypass surgery. He wasn't even all that heavy. They showed him my business card, told him how I did it, but he came over and told me he knows all about the surgery and what life is like after it because his sister did it and says she doesn't regret a minute of it. I mentioned his size and he said that size was a misconceptions, that it's all about BMI. So instead of telling people to exercise and lower their BMI, they will now take out half their stomach. This guy is at peace with his decision, so I didn't press, but my heart sank. They make it so easy or at least market it as so easy and they'll give it to anyone with the insurance that they can slide under the obesity grid.

 

Friday February 17 2006 10:58 pm

Today I had to go to Sports Authority to get some exercise gear for the seminar and a knee brace. All of the Columbia clothes were marked half off, and then there was an additional 40% off. I need clothes bad, so I started looking. There was a rack of thermal jackets which I love. I spied the small. Was the leather jacket and coat a fluke. I tried it on, it fit. But they were coats.

I stood there staring at a pair of size 6 gray canvas pants and wondered if I had the courage. Then there was the small tops. I had just told my friend Maria that I figured mediums and 8's were where I would be when I was done. The thought of smalls until I tried those coats on was too far from any sense of reality for me.

There I was in the dressing room. A pair of 6's and three small tops. No way! I didn't think the pants would get up my legs, but they did, and over my hips, and I could zip them. All right, that fat over the pant line was there, but not that bad, and I knew that by 119 or 115 they would look good. It was shock, realization maybe, but nothing like when I put on those small tops and there was free material around the belly.

I stood and stared in the mirror, my eyes welling. I was wearing smalls. There was no where to go lower than this, I had made it, made it beyond my greatest hopes. It's all to much to sink in. I spend a lot of time in bulky clothes sitting in front of the computer and only seem to get dressed for events or picture taking. So I didn't really have a clue about my size now, just like I never really did fat. But I knew there was no denying it. I'm small. I am no longer fat. I need to buy some mirrors and put them up in the house so I can see what I have accomplished and be reminded of the reality of this dream.

Another thing that struck me was that I was buying winter clothes so close to the end of the season for here. But my brain had already seen how I am building a new wardrobe and will need them next winter. "Next winter," I sighed. I'll be this thin next winter too. A tear rolled down my cheek.

When I was walking into the store today, these two young boys were coming out. One looked over at me, and I realized he wasn't looking at the fat lady walking into the store. It just hit me. He really didn't care, he just looked. I knew why they looked before, or thought I did, but today there was nothing to look at. I'm just another woman walking around.

I don't know when this will become normal for me and I won't have all these little emotional epiphanies, it's just still so unbelievable that I'm here and that I did this. When I got home, I hung up my new shirts and my size 6 pants and just stared at them in my empty closet. They are so little, how can they possibly fit me?

It still has a dream quality about it, sometimes a fear that it can't be real. So please, if it is all just a dream, and I'm in bed still wearing that fat suit, let me sleep forever!

 

 

Saturday February 18, 2006 5:27 pm

I went shopping today. Real shopping with a friend at the air force base in town. We scoured the clearance racks and I tried on more clothes in a few hours than I have in my life. I left with fifteen pieces for under $100. There were no jeans though so I had to go to another store and bought three pairs of jeans, 2 size 6 and an 8 (they are a little big but comfy where the 6's are a little tight but they were almost half price so I went for them).

Half of my closet which was almost completely empty yesterday morning is now full. In a week or two my daughter will be taking me for my belated birthday shopping. I'm going to use that for dressier clothes to wear on hopeful TV spots and to the seminar.

I've always hated shopping. I can honestly say this was the first time in my life clothes shopping was fun. I better watch out shopping could become an expensive habit!

Oh wait, I bought earrings. I know most of you have jewlery, but I have none. Now that I have the cropped hair, I needed earrings. The ones in all the pictures are my daughters and she doesn't let me take them home. So not only do I have new hair, new clothes, I now have 4 pairs of earrings. Next stop will be shoes to go with my new outfits. I'm done being plain jane. It's time to feel good about myself every day. No longer am I going to stay in baggy clothes while I work at the computer. I'm going to get up, get dressed, do my hair, and start my day proud of who I am. Even if I only look good for me that day, I'm going to do it. I have never felt good about who I am physically. I still have some saggy fat to get rid of, but I am going to make that final mental conversion from hating looking at the fat carlene to enjoying the new trim version of my life.

Thanks for always letting me share this with you. This end to my journey sometimes overwhelms me.