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Obese Workbook I: Fat Brain Lies

 


Carlene's Raw Adventure
August 2005

Tue Aug 2, 2005 4:34am


Gee, I forgot to journal yesterday. I meant to before I went out, then when I got home, and I just forgot. That is not good. Yesterday I found myself thinking of cooked food, not too bad that I would eat any, but still the thought was there. It could be because my fruit isn't as vibrant as it was at the beginning of the summer. I'm going to have to go hunt out a better place to buy it and see about other varieties I haven't tried that are fall harvests.


Other than that I'm great. I went to the gym yesterday and will work out this morning before leaving for a clients. I'm very excited about coming to the close of my second full month of 100% raw and moving into my third. It seems to be taking forever for the months to pass which is great since I always complain how fast life moves by. I realized this morning when walking, that the truth is since I have finally found something that works for me and I have the ability to do it, then I should just automatically be at my optimal weight and health level, and that this having to wait six months to a year is just wrong!!! Of course, I did laugh at myself, and will laugh again in six months when I want that very last weight to fall off in a day...ah such an impatient soul I am.

 

Wed Aug 3, 2005 4:26am


Yesterday, I was tired all day. I thought maybe I've been pushing too hard on the exercise and not eating enough, but then when I went to my writer's group I found everyone had had the same sort of day, even the girls who worked at the coffee shop. So maybe it was the storm. Funny how whenever we don't feel quite right we point all the blame at raw.


Today I went back to the wash for my morning hour walk. Well, actually an hour and ten minutes. It's much harder than my laps around the property. I want to take the bike out this morning too before heading for the gym, but I have to admit, I'm a little embarrassed of being seen getting on and off it at this point. It may actually be to big for me. I'm only 5'1". I'm not even sure yet if I can reach the pedals, but I'm going to try.


Oh Yeah, last night I dreamed I went to a restaurant with my family and when we got there I ordered and ate a fresh bowl of fruit, mentioning casually I was raw. Now the dream wasn't about eating, it was about the events unfolding at the dinner, so the raw was just a trivial aside. That was very cool, now even my subconscious is raw. You gotta love that!

 

Thu Aug 4, 2005 5:53am


I have to say, yesterday was one of those days you just have to call exceptional. By noon I had walked for an hour and a half, rode my bike 2 miles, been to the gym, walked the dogs two additional times, showered, eaten, and gone to the bank. The energy didn't stop there, I had it all day. When I got home around 7PM, I took the dogs back down to the wash and we did another half hour.


When I first started raw, a friend who has known many raw people told me that they never had energy, they all seemed to shuffle around, talk slow, etc. That would never work for me, and now I know it's all bull. On raw I have as much energy as I need, if not more at times. Granted not all days are like yesterday, but more are good than bad. Actually, most are good.


Today I have already done my hour and ten minutes in the wash, and upped the bike ride to 3 miles. I'm about to head off on my third ten minute walk with the dogs before getting ready for work.


Oh yeah, neighbors are stopping in the street now when they drive by to tell me how great I'm doing. Which is fun since they have watched me hike these streets for years with no weight loss.


So, I hate to bore you, but today is yet another perfect day in raw paradise.

 

Fri Aug 5, 2005 7:17am


Boy yesterday was probably my hardest day on raw so far. I thought not about one specific cooked food, but any food. I had a horrible urge just to shove food in my mouth. I kept thinking about when I would break and have that bowl of popcorn I said I would allow myself.


I've really been pushing with the exercise, and have not upped the amount of food I eat. On one level I knew what was really happening to me was I needed food aka calories. That the desire to load up on food was my body screaming. I have set for myself a three day rule. If I crave things, I have to crave them three days in a row. If I do, I get popcorn. That was maddening. Here I set a rule I so badly wanted to break at the first sign of weakness.


When I got home, I poured myself a cup of mixed nuts and started to eat them. I ate a little more than half of them. Later I ate a couple of plums and was too full. Breaking my 7PM no food rule, I also ate two oranges around 8. It all felt like way too much food. When I woke up this morning I had gained half a pound. Oh well, it will fall off shortly.


Today I pushed as well. An hour and half in the wash then another hour and twenty minutes at the gym. I skipped the bike ride. I know I am overdoing all the exercise. My expectations for myself and raw are way too high, but that's how I am. I have finally found a diet that works with all my exercise and am losing weight, it's just not in me to not push.

 

Sat Aug 6, 2005 3:35am


Today is the beginning of month 3 100% raw. These past two months have been amazing for me. I am so grateful for finding raw and this forum without them I would still be searching for the health that has alluded me for so long. Each morning when I meditate, I call to myself Radiant Health and Abundant Joy, now after doing this I offer thanks for the path that is taking me there.


So here are the official results of my 2 months raw, weight wise:


In 2 months 100% raw I have lost: 37.5 pounds.
With the 14 pounds I lost in May that is 51.5 pounds.


Inches Lost since raw:
Chest - 4.5"
Buddha Belly - 6.25"
Hips - 4.25"
Left Upper Arm - 1.5"
Right Upper Arm - 1"
Left Thigh - 3.5"
Right Thigh - 3"


Unfortunately, I am so tired this morning, I decided to take today off from all the exercise. I did of course go on a short walk this morning, but it was very short. My back hurts, I pulled a muscle in my neck yesterday at the gym, and I am just plain tired.


On an even sadder note, I gained another half pound this morning. Now I know that it's just a fluctuation thing, but I'm sure it adds to how tired I am. This is not a great way to end my second month, but I've done it to myself by always pushing.


I have been wanting to do an alkaline flush. I can really feel that lump under my left armpit now that I've lost weight. I had planned to do the flush this weekend, but thought it would tire me out and keep me from exercising, so I decided against it. Well if I'm not going to exercise then I might as well clean all that acid out of my body. I thought I remember reading that exercise builds acid, so maybe that is why I'm tired. Anyway, I'm off to the market to get the oranges, lemons, and grapefruit. I think I'll do today and tomorrow, taking both off from all the exercise, then get back on my regular schedule Monday.


When I get back from the market, I think I'll go back to bed. I have a manual to write and need mental acuity even if my body wants to lag behind.


But tired or not, I have no doubts raw and exercise are my keys to radiant health, and the joy, well I've been feeling that since my first week raw.


Now all I need is for that financial wealth to kick in!

 

Sun Aug 7, 2005 4:57am


Wow, what a difference a day makes. I think the alkaline flush was a good choice. I was dragging all day yesterday. I took all my little walks with the dogs, but for the most part just cuddled all day with them and either napped or watched TV. Getting anything done seemed impossible.


I'm feeling much better today. I'm still taking the day off from exercise, but I feel as though I can get some work done today. Which is good since I'm on a tight deadline for this project.


I can still feel the lump under my arm, but it is smaller. It is also more tender than it has been. I'm going to continue the flush today and then eat lightly, mostly melon on Monday. But Monday is a gym day, so I'll be back to exercising.


Here's an interesting note. I was having thoughts about cooked foods, then yesterday as I was drinking another glass of juice all I could think about was the blueberries and the nectarines in my fridge. Funny how everything is relative.

 

Mon Aug 8, 2005 4:32am


Finally the alkaline flush is over. The lump under my arm is minute. Maybe next time I'll get it completely. I feel good today, but I think I'm going to take it easy. I only did a 1/3 walk this morning and am not going to go to the gym. I need to work on my project today and since all I did was drink juice for two days, I want to make sure I have the energy and stamina to keep a clear mind and motivated.


I started today off with half a melon. It was really sweet, actually, too sweet. Since I usually eat mono meals, I'm waiting for the melon to digest and then I'm digging into those blueberries that have been calling to me all weekend. I may break down and have some strawberries with them. Yum!

 

Tue Aug 9, 2005 6:03am


Commitment and dedication are very strange things. Resolve can last for seconds, days, or years, and so can disillusionment. I would have to describe my last few days on raw as fickle. One moment I'm all gung-ho, the next I'm thinking when can I have that pizza. This morning I woke up tired and disappointed in myself because I could see failure looming.


Luckily I have to walk the dogs no matter what. I was only going to go to the wash, then I was only going to go to the 1/3 mark, then my body kept walking, and walking. The sweat felt good, I could feel the muscles in my legs working. It was a good walk.


I came on line, turned on the TV to watch Alissa (which I missed somehow), and am now sitting here as strongly raw as ever and wondering how I could have thought just hours ago that I couldn't do this.


Okay, walking gives you a long time to think, and I realized that even though I have been craving cooked foods a lot this past week, I haven't been craving anything I really love. My three day popcorn craving isn't there and I can't imagine cheating with anything else. So what are the cravings about? I think I know. TV for one, I really need to start reading at night instead of watching TV. Lack of support from my friends. Because I've done so well, and my friends who were supporting me on this haven't, we don't really talk about it much. And although I have lost so much weight, I don't feel thinner. Of course I never really felt fat, so I don't know what I was expecting. Yet I know I'm still very heavy and have a long way to go. Maybe I have been focusing on just how much more weight I have to lose -- 80 more pounds. It could also be now that I've lost over 50 pounds I feel sated, a big goal fulfilled so I should get to have that pizza.


The other thing that has been eating at me, is how I am reaching the point when other people fail. The mind is a dangerous thing, suggestions from others seem to seep in and help form conclusions that don't belong there. I know raw is the right thing for me. I know I have finally found a way of eating that my body doesn't just assume should be fat. Now I just have to remind myself that there is nothing I can't do and that eating cooked foods will not satisfy anything. Food is not a true pleasure for me. That one bite is always good but by the third slice you aren't tasting anything you're just inhaling fat. I don't want to be fat, I don't want to be a diabetic, I want radiant health and abundant joy. Raw is my answer, now I need to refocus and smile as I head off to work.


Thanks for listening.


They just announced on the Today show that Alissa is up in this half hour. I'll have to be a little late for work. Now that will be a good motivator.

 

Wed Aug 10, 2005 7:03am


Ahh, back to paradise. I'm feeling great this morning. Which is amazing because last night at my writer's group, I had an herbal tea. Tropical fruit. Who would have thought it was laced with caffeine! I was up until 4 AM then got up at 6 to go for our morning walk, which I had tons of energy for. We walker further than we have so far, then I did an hour at the gym.


I may be dragging by the time I get home tonight, but right now I can't tell I'm drawing on 2 hrs sleep. My client's computer room had a power outage from a storm, so even though all the computers work from the electrical sockets, the overhead lights are out throughout the building. Perfect for napping...that will be a challenge.


Today at the gym a woman asked me how my program was going. I told her I was raw and that I had just lost a lot of weight and had much more to go. She said she was raw too! And...she belongs to a support group of women in Tucson who are using raw to lose weight. I so gave her my email address.


I got big kudos on a draft for that project I'm working this morning, so the day is just starting off great. Any thoughts of not being raw? Not today!!!

 

Thu Aug 11, 2005 5:52am


My legs are sore today from the gym yesterday. Walking this morning was a chore, but we did it and all is well. I'm back to being solid with raw. Maybe my problem those four days when it was so hard was that I was by myself most the time. I went to the library and picked up some books last night so instead of watching TV and all those pizza commercials I will read.


I stopped by my son-in-law's yesterday. He had just installed some can lights in the kitchen and I went to see. Just as I got there he was taking pizza from the fridge to warm in the microwave. I said. "Oh, not pizza." He said "I thought it didn't bother you." I told him of my cravings. He put it away. That's all I said. That's a good kid. Actually, it means even more. My success is important to him. You've got to love that in a son-in-law.

 

Tue Aug 16, 2005 7:01am


It's so good to be home. I stayed with my daughter this past four days while we had my grand nieces visit. It's been a long time since I've had to entertain two young girls for so long. Luckily they were well behaved and enjoyable, but it was nice to take them back to Phoenix yesterday.


I survived all the McDonalds, Wendys, Applebeas, chips and chocolates. It was hard and I did feel deprived. Luckily I have my success at losing weight to keep me motivated. I should be fine now for the rest of the week. I did almost reach for a chocolate, not because I wanted one, but they were sitting on the coffee table, and I felt the -- not urge because there was no conscious thought -- maybe reflex is a better word. My arm didn't move, but there was a sense of beginning movement. So I chocked it up to habit not craving and smiled it away.


I didn't sacrifice my morning walks, I found a three mile trek and did it faithfully. By the time everyone else was up, I had put in an hour on my feet, showered, and eaten. I do love my mornings.


I was nicely rewarded with a 2.5 pound loss over the four days.


Last night I did my stretch mark scrub. This morning I was very tired. I worked two hours on those stretch marks last night, and maybe this time I made some dent. I decided I would blame both the big weight loss and the tiredness to my body putting so much effort into healing last night. Pipe dream probably, but it's mine and it fits my needs right now.


Well, lots to get done today. I'm still here though, still 100% raw, and everyday seeing the results. That is where my motivation comes from. It will be nice when I get past this craving period and settle back into my no problem raw mode.

 

Fri Aug 19, 2005 7:09am


So things are going hunky dorrie for me lately. No cravings, except for oranges and nectarines. Coming home from the gym today I was obsessing about all those oranges I bought the other day and couldn't wait to come home and pig out. Pig out! Wow, what a concept. It made me think of all those people who are going after gastric bypass surgery. As I filled my plate with three cut up oranges, I just wanted to hold it out and say "so here's my breakfast, let's see what you're eating."


The weight has been steadily falling. No plateaus, no disappointments. Half a pound a day. I must be at some place where my body is happy with the calories and exercise and willing to part with some of the fat. I know this can't continue forever, but I sure am going to enjoy it while it lasts.


I am at the precipice of huge goal this week. If you're reading this you know I've lost a lot of weight. Well, I started in May at 259 pounds. I haven't been below 200 pounds in 14 years. Today I weighed in at 200.5 pounds.


Now here's the crux to this story. I am going away for the weekend and I won't be able to see that scale hit 199.5, my big planned celebration day. (Not a cooked food celebration you can be sure). I won't get to weigh myself again until Tuesday. I'm sure I'll be happy, but it won't be the same.


I have to say it's nice to be feeling good about raw again. I haven't been watching TV, and have only been out with my friends who support my raw lifestyle. What I have learned from my past few weeks is that the cravings and feelings of deprivation might come, but they will pass. It's all up to me to stick it out.

 

Tue Aug 23, 2005 6:11am


Talk about creating your own future. I did my weekend at my daughters, after obsessing over how I was going to miss watching the scale break the 200 mark. All weekend I knew. I wasn't losing weight, it was waiting for me. Low and behold, this morning 199.5. A pound heavier than I had hoped, but there was the change just sitting and waiting for me to enjoy it.


But here's the truth in all of it. I will never think of myself again as someone who weighs over 200 pounds. I'm in the hundreds, maybe the high hundreds, but the hundreds, where normal weight is found. Now that I have raw, this is where I will remain for the rest of my life. And for the first time in a long time, that is not a dream. It's fact.


It has been raining here since 9 last night. Dark, lightening, thunder. I was supposed to go in to a client's today for the day, but called and put it off till tomorrow, so I can stay home and enjoy the storm. Beautiful days like this are rare in Tucson. Usually our monsoons are short powerful storms, but they move across the city so quickly that you have to drive fast to keep in one. Today is different, and I'm going to enjoy every minute of it.

 

Thu Aug 25, 2005 5:44am


What an exciting day today is! For one, I have officially lost 60 pounds since May which by anyone's standards is amazing. Then after my hour walk in the wash this morning, I decided it was time to take that bike off my flat little side streets and hit the road. Where I live is in a little valley, so anywhere I wanted to go was uphill. Rolling hills on my first main street which I thought, okay. I'll gain speed going down them then have some power to help me up them. Well as I got out there I realized my street was a little too busy for a wobbly fat girl on a bike, so I veered off on this road I had told a friend once I thought I would try. She had told me it was too steep and that I would kill myself on it. She used to walk it and could barely make it up it. But I had to choose, traffic or big hill. I chose the hill. It was a long and steady grade, I was huffing and puffing and pedaling. When I would look up there was another steep hill in front of me, but then there was a stop sign and I realized I had reached Broadway, my turning point. New energy got me there. I figured it was all going to be downhill, but then Broadway turned out to be steeper and longer than the first road. I could see where I was headed, did some pep talking to myself and made it. The down back to my main street reminded me of why I loved bike riding all those years ago.


I made it home, took the dogs out for a short spin around the property and settled down. My body is tired, I may not be able to walk tomorrow, but inside I am screaming with joy. In May at 259 pounds I would not have even fit on the bike, never mind be seen on it. Now 60 pounds later I feel good, I feel strong. Granted I've been working out and consistent with my walking and I did not get here overnight, but now I know. There's not doubt. My life has changed. Forever.


Thank you raw!

 

Fri Aug 26, 2005 8:43am


Just wanted to check in and say, I feel great today. No pain from the bike ride. Now that's amazing. Did my walk, did the gym, now I'm getting some work done then going to the movies to see The Grim Brothers. Can't wait.

 

Sun Aug 28, 2005 8:45am


Boy, I'm wiped. I did my hour in the wash and then an hour bike riding up those hills again. My lung capacity should strengthen as I continue to do it, but it wipes all my energy reserves. I had hoped when I got down form the hills to add an extra 7 miles of big dips, but my inner voice said go home, so I did. Now I need a nap, which I think I will go take before I get ready to go out.


I have noticed that this time when I am putting out the extra effort with more strenuous exercise that I am not more hungry and am not eating more. If anything, I have to force myself to eat. Now that's different.


I think I'm going to RawPriestess's advice and eat some celery today and get some sodium back into my body.


Oh right, I know what I noticed today when I was bike riding. I was the only fat one. Where I live because of the hills (Tucson tends to be flat) it is a bicyclist's haven, so today I saw lots of cyclists. Who of course put me to shame as they all passed me huffing and puffing my way up those hills. They were supportive though. When I was coming home on Thursday from my bike ride, one of my neighbors saw me. She asked me yesterday when I usually left. I told her, and then today just as I was half way up the hardest of the hills she came up behind me. Of course, she is 100 pounds soaking wet and runs everyday, so she had to pass me up, but in a month or two I'll catch up to her and then I'll have some to ride with.


Oh, as for raw. Piece of cake, or rather apple. Oh yeah, my mother called yesterday. She has incorporated a lot of fruit and raw vegetables into her diet. She can't do 100%, but she's at about 75. I think I talked her into joining the gym at the senior center near her.

 

Mon Aug 29, 2005 5:22pm


I have been tired all day today. Not just tired, but out of it. I could almost say a little depressed.


Last week I started cutting back on my thyroid meds. I've been only taking half a one. Yesterday I did my bike ride and was wiped all day. Or, I could be just low from detox. I'll take a full pill tomorrow. I'm doing my bike ride again and when I get home I am going to drink my smoothie and take a nap to see if it makes a difference.


I'm wondering if your body increases the amount of glycogen it keeps in store for energy as you build up your exercise level. It used to be that if I walked as far as I do today in the wash I would be wiped for two days. Of course I was over 60 pounds heavier. I did make it back to the wash by working up to it, so maybe it is just the bike ride that is getting to me. We'll see how the next week goes.

 

Tue Aug 30, 2005 8:02am


Glad yesterday is over. I even gained a pound. Go figure. When I woke up this morning I thought I felt the same as yesterday. I'm a morning person and can't sleep past dawn, so I took my full thyroid pill and we headed for the wash.


While walking I started to worry that the wash was getting too easy. (What is wrong with me?) and that I would soon have to start looking for bigger walking challenges. Four miles down the street from me is a national park in the Rincon mountains. It's a tough climb, but I've done it before. So in my mind I'm seeing me riding my bike to the park, then hiking up the mountain for an hour or so. I definitely have an obsessive personality. At least when it comes to exercise. Wish I could get that way towards housework.


Still not sure how I was feeling, I told myself that I didn't have to go for my bike ride, but when I got home I realized that I really wanted to, so I told myself, okay, take it out and we'll just go to the park rather than up the hills. But as I reached my turning point for the hills, I headed up it. Knowing all along I would. This time I took all but the steepest of the hills in 3rd gear (the bike only has 7) and used 2nd to reach the summit. As I finished the loop and came back to my street, the desire to go to the park (which would add another 7.5 miles to my ride) was strong. I did good though and told myself that I could do that on Sunday if I still wanted, but today I wouldn't push.


When I got home, I was full of energy. I tried to take a little nap so I would have tons of energy for the rest of the day, but couldn't do it.


So I've been getting some work done today and am getting ready to go out. I did take some vitamins yesterday afternoon . I don't take these everyday, but I usually take them a few times a week (insurance). It had been about a week since I had taken any. Who knows what caused yesterday, but it feels real good to be here today.

 

Wed Aug 31, 2005 7:30am


I feel great today. I did my wash walk and went to the gym. After doing my resistance training I thought I'd give the treadmill a try. I jog/ran a mile. Yes, I had to go down to a walk twice for a couple of minutes, but I got right back running. It felt great. The bike riding has really worked my lungs. I was shocked I could do this today.